Held in a photograph

Where is the boundary.. Where to start, where to stop.. when to start, should you start at all? Why does everything reciprocate? Do you want me to start? Do you want me to cross? You want me to cross cause you cant cross yourself.. I want you to cross cause i cant cross myself. What a fix..!! I am still, you are still as well.. Looking at each other.. Your face looking at me with sympathy and sadness. Is it sad remembering the good old days of fun and love? Is it sad that it cant see the same joy in my eyes? Is it sad cause of something else? Those eyes say it all.. and there is that smile.. Not a smile of joy. The smile you see on a mother whose son is going away for war.. she is sad but she is proud.. i see the same smile.. it is killing me..

what do i feel? i want to touch it.. touch the face that i once longed to.. its no more the same.. there is a world of relationships around you.. it has covered you in its web.. i can not touch you.. i cannot reach you.. no i cant.. we can just look at each other..

Dear friend.. there is no boundary.. you have made that, to stop yourself.. and i have made that to stop myself.. there is no more reciprocation.. i can not help it that i feel your pain.. but i can not shed tears.. i can not help it that i feel like hugging you.. but i can not move an inch.. we are just the characters in a painting.. held still.. photograph of a time long gone by.. i can still look at you.. but forgive me for everything.. i can not move an inch, shed a tear or even blink my eye.. let alone comfort you in my arms..

May, someday!!

Turn to my right, i see a silver innova with a dog peeping its face out, looking at me, panting asthough trying to make fun of me, that rest of its body can still feel the AC inside. I try to see beyond the panting face, inside the car, through the dark reflective window glasses. See a dark image inside. First thing i do, try n find if it has got something coming out from behind its head, on the chest, or something like that. And if i find it, am sure its a gal. now i try and concentrate to find out if that face is looking at me. It turns , brushes the back of the dog, stares somewhere. Yes! for a second it looks at me, now i turn away, nod my head as though am enjoying some rock song on the go, look at the signal lamp, look at the rearview mirror, look at my watch, and again i turn towards the innova. If that dark figure's head is still looking towards me, i turn again, put my bike in first gear, rise the throttle couple of times, roaring, which that figure obviously can hear, and disappear in a crowd of thousands of 2 wheelers on road. Its what thousands of two wheeler riders like me do when they are forcefully stopped at traffic signals.

It was a bright summer afternoon, with heavy traffic on road. I was in no hurry and was riding ma bike in a way letting the handle carry wherever it wishes to. Its a kind of relaxed drive i always do. I had to meet someone exactly half an hour before he was supposed to leave the town. Thinking about those important 30 minutes, about how to make it more smoother and mutually pleasureful i stopped at a traffic signal.

Now, the most important part. Why do they say 'your heart skipped a beat' ? How the hell would you know unless your heart have really skipped a beat when you were not sound asleep. If it has, then you already know what i am talking about. Otherwise, it really doesnt matter, cause it never mattered. Anyays, It was as though i were listening to some song, which you can not sing yourself cause u can not concentrate on the lyrics, that the song is soo good. You listen to the song and look around, try and relate that the sound of female voice is coming from the next innova or activa, chorus from everybody on footpath, guitar from some guy in RX 100 @ the back, and so on. So you turn, look at each one of them, give them some role in your imaginary song video and turn to the other side. After 10 seconds you have made a good casting, they all do their work.

So, when i was just done with choosing the characters that day, i saw something which was unavoidable. Was it the high healed slippers, was it the white pant hugging the legs in a perfect shape, or the purple top which hung like a loose cinema hall screen upon her shoulders, the contemporary hair style which i had seen only a week before in MTV. (That was a repeat telecast, so caunt really say it was contemporary), the way she was walking away from me with the other gal with no lesser attractive looks.. Or was it really the other gal i looked at first? I do not know. What really held my attention was not any of these. It was the handbag.

It was a handbag with white and grey curves embroidered on it like a thousand rainbows one over the other. Had i seen this before? Yes i had.. where ? It did not give me enough time to think about it. My bike moved a bit and i could see the face which held all the charm and liveliness in the world for me till one year before.. It was the same face in which i had seen thousands of emotions trying to convey millions of things to me once.. It was the same face touching which, i had felt the softness of roses and joy of a kid touching a butterfly, before.. It was the same face which radiated all the energy which would keep me alive for months by just thinking about it..

It was the same face.. Ohhh boy.. I covered my face with the dark helmet cover of mine. Watched the same familiar face of her for, i dont know, may be 1 minute? 10 minutes? 1 year? My heart skipped millions of beats leaving time behind. All the joy, all the sorrows, all the times i had spent with her passed through in my mind. She would never look at me. I would never look at the girl sitting in the innova beside me. Everything had come to a stand still except her. She kept on going away and just disappeared. Just a boyish thing. What did i do? Stopped at the nearest sutta shop, smoked a ciggie thinking about her. It did not finish, so i smoked another one. And finally i was left with only 5 rupees, so smoked one more and got a mentos mouth freshner for 50 ps. The meeting in 30 mins had disappeared from my mind. It were the countless meetings which kept on reminding me, where i had seen that handbag. It was the same handbag which used to carry my photograph once. Today it had carried a collage of many photographs.. My heart definetly skipped a beat that day. It was a hot afternoon in may, someday.. :)

men do cry, n boys, a lot

If i could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday,
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that i could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you...

this was the poem that she wrote for me..
am sorry, long time, real long time.

the above piece of words did a lot of things for last couple or so of days. that was the poem she wrote for me. ma puppy. yesss....
alright, thats wat happens. i have 2 reasons y i like it very much. one, it sounds nice, fully ticklish n all... oo.. stop please.. he he, n two, cause she wrote it for me. the later makes me feel more n more happy. she wrote that for me.. :) i did write something in return for her. it was very short n simple. something like 'thanks a lot' i guess. lol.

anyway, now that she knows the blog address i have to write only nice things about her. i would have, even otherwise. k, this a sweet story that happened recently. now, last friday, she suddenly said that they r arranging for her marriage in her house. ahhh... was that a statement, a quesion or a sad news. well, it was all of these for me. first day it was a sentence, i did tried to ignore it. next day it became a question. she asked me 'wat shud i do'. i said go ahead, he looks like a nice guy. but, till now am not sure wat i really wanted at that point of time. do i really wanted her to go away? r that i was expecting her to say 'please marry me'. am not sure, but both the things did not happen. one fat friend of mine, told me a couple of times these days, that puppy has become kind f ugly. i dont know. i did not feel like hittin him. cause he is ma friend too, and i know what puppy is, n how she looks for me. bloody the same fat ass calls her up everytime taking up some inane reasons. i told her in a subtle way that day that, 'hipocrats have become fat now a days'. i dont know if she understood r not. but unfortunately or fortunately, this fat ass had become slim by that time. anyway, where was i. ya, puppy said she was in a confusion. come on man, how could she say this. am there in front of her. instead of saying i will marry u, i dont wanna marry any1 else, she is asking me what shall i do. crap, i tried to be natural n calm. how can i be. then later the third day it became a sad news. sad thudding, nagging, pain of prick. i still tried to be natural, for being natural and calm, my born gift of god. but i could not. i cried that day. i dont know what made me cry, but i cried.

i remember myself crying very a few times. one was when ma parents left me at the boarding school. god, those days i cried like a mad boy. but i will take it all included as one. that after some years made me a rebel kind of a boy. i did all those 'naughty' things, which 'men' beyond my age do, like scolding teachers(in front of them), maintainin heroistic image in front of gals, going out of campus at nights (knowing it was highly offensive), n lot more like this. i thought it was natural and all boys do the same. later when i came to bangalore i got to know it was different with 'english speaking' nerds. anyway, that was about me neing a 'rebel boy'.

i mean i still looked like a small boy when i came to bangalore to study my +2, but i was a rebel. i threw burning matchsticks, ink, chalk, sooo many things at soo many lecturers back. but somehow, by next day morning they used to get to know it was me. earlier i suspected there was a rat in our class. later i got to know, all bangalorean, tution going, studious boys n gals were rats, they know very less about the word friend. i changed myself according to them. that will be the phase when u develop ur personality. anyway, i never cried even then. they said they will not let me give exams, but i did not cry, for me, being a rebel.

then i came to engg. i still was a rebel, kind of still a boyish. i was caught ragging at hostel. they said they will give a police complaint, ruin my career n all. i did'nt give a damn, for that i was a rebel, n i never knew what career meant actually for me. i was kicked out. ma parents came to live with me. i was still a rebel. they expected me to study, be nice, tution going, typical bangalorean kind of a boy. but i hated them, and i was a rebel. i did not listen to them, i said i will never come home if they talked to me like that. boy, did i say that. that was the worst thing that i had ever told ma parents. good that it showed 2 things. that i was no more a boy, n that parents are someone very very precious. and then i cried. after going to next stage from being a boy, i cried, cried and cried. then i learnt how talk to parents. that was another phase of my personality development. even today they know that i smoke, booze, they never tell me anything annoying, i never make them feel that am going in a wrong way. may be thats wat i think. but, i no more was a rebel.

i later turned zany. i never threw fires, but i cracked PJ's. that kind f became ma identity in the class. n u know, zany boys never cry. i never cried. besides being zany i was in so many ways different. i was kind, i was loving, i was toooooo emotional. and i was zany. this gal, ma puppy, made me cry. for the third time, after being zany, she made me cry. i have cried a lot many times for her, even this i will take it as one single count. but in front of her, i cried for the first time yesterday. my face sqeezes in some unconventional way, lips start shaking, voice breaks, i mean totally some bizzare way. i cry making a bizzare gesture. in the same way i cried in front of her. she too cried. for the first time in front of me, she cried. then we realized that we can no more be natural, act natural. and for me she is my puppy. no one can take her away.. wat more, now that i have known this, i will wait for things to change. i always tell her, time changes everything. now that time has changed me, i have started liking her, loving her, n all that bla bla.. but she have not changed. now i ask time, please dont change anything, none of any of us.. if u want to change something badly, change puppy that she'll love me more n more.. lol.. greedy me. k,
i will not change, i know that, dont change my puppy plz.. my puppy, let her be my puppy always, plz time, plz... :)

girls are dangerous

its long time since i posted anything. was kind of busy. i mean to say, my lead had given me some work after a long time. i mean real long time, and some work that really makes some sense and wil not put my effort in dustbin. i have made this policy for myself. always give first priority for company works, for they come up very rare in time. anyway, one thing made me happy yesterday. it carries its soothing effects till some more days to come. i got my first salary hike. 20 percent. hee hee. you may think this is not a matter to celebrate. to tell you the truth, even i think so. that makes me happy, but thats not a thing to celebrate. i forgot to tell you that, this one friend of mine, forget his name, i caunt take his real name and that bugs me to be creative everytime i give a imaginary name to my friends here. anyway, this friend of mine, was depressed some days back. i wil tell u the reason as well. he called me to my cell that day, and u know what after getting totally boozed. its true that ppl get this strange strong intense force within themselves to talk with someone. even i feel the same and i call someone close if no one is around me. i call puppy even if the whole throng is around me and thats different. what i want to tell u is, its really difficult to handle someone, hu is already fully boozed. above that he is alone, he is crying. above that he is depressed over something. above all he is depressed that his love, gave him her handle. i mean she kicked him off away. man, i feel disgusted when someone asks me to hush down a baby crying, how wil i manage this moron. moreover the repeated assertion by him that 'girls are dangerous' made me kind of dreaded. i mean, i always think that am very pragmatic, these changes around me never bother me and all. this ruined the very existence of my belief. i mean, i always believed puppy will never bother me after getting married to someone and all. i will be as very normal kind of. but this very idea of marriage takes me too far and confuses me to the core. then was it, that i read somewhere, somethings are better left as they were. so i left this where it was. still to this point i know, puppy will bring a good powered hurricane in my soft splendid grass life. it was this sunday that puppy told me, her father asked her to go with him for some matrimonial hunt. when she told me this, i never reacted. not that i was startled or anything, but i was emptied in thoughts u know. its better u never reply, when u wont have the confidence that ur reply will rock. its time for me to leave. will continue sometime later k, c ya.

neha turns puppy, and puppy ?

puppy asked for my blog address today. am sorry, this is no new character r anything. this is the same neha of my story, and that i keep calling her anything i want. bad part is that she wont listen n turn to me inspite of me calling her by watever name i want. except for this one word by which i called her that day. i dont remember what the word was. but she called me 'hopeless ass'. this english is wierd and confusing to the core. it has got some thousands and thousands of words which have double meanings. girls themselves are confusing to the core. this adds up to double confusion. she explained that she meant some animal with a tail and four legs when she meant 'ass', later some other day. but u know, crazy ppl think in crazy ways always. watever it may be, but i never hate her. may be i feel like hating her some times, i never actually do.
it was three days since she spoke to me. no calls, no missed calls, not even a sms. above all she says she missed me a lot everytime she meets me after a long time. god damn it. she thinks am a fool ? this is the problem with most of the girls. if they are not snobish and egoistic, they look pathetic and are dumb to the core. if they have even a bit of either smartness r beauty, man u can never look at them. they give u such a feeling that u'll go and hang urself up. but still u can not hate them. i will bet anything over it. boy, u can never say a girl that u hate her. any girl infact. atleast not puppy.
now again i hate calling her puppy. this puppy, r whatever i call her, keeps telling me, how some other phony friends call of her, called her by that name. now come on man. this is heigths. any guy wont like someone else to call his pet ones by their pet names, which u kept. i agree, i didnt keep that name originally. but they can give up. they can give up atleast this name for me to use. now, am thinking of someother name to call her. am not that creative n all originally u know. no one is, if u really wanna know. everybody copies something and take the credit. or may be they mix two or more things up to make a unique solution and call it their unique style. i hate it. i dont mind copying though. i mean, there is nothing wrong in that. if someone copies u, that means they like ur style. thats a compliment. however not in case of the word 'puppy'. thats for me n only me.
now that i did not give her this url, she gave up asking me for it. man, two more times, i would have given her this url. or she could have found that out by herself. may be she can never. crazy ppl not only think crazily, they keep this crazy names for their blogs. anyway, she never forced me. thats what she does always. u wont call her up for weeks, expecting her to guess am angry over something, and come to me in a sweet and low tone. she never cares for u. she thinks she's very smart and understanding. u give up at the end, u call her to say loud mouthed that u r angry on her, guess what she says ? "i knew u were busy last week, atleast i can understand thatmuch". god, give me a break. how can i tell her openly, "u dumb ass, am angry cause u called me 'hopeless ass'". but u know what, i still wont feel like saying her that she's a dumb ass. take out ass, i caunt even say her 'u r dumb'. may b cause am dumb. call me dumb, i dont mind. but not everytime, only for today. never call puppy like that, how dare u.. go away..

about me, neha and toys

here i go, writing my first post. I really dont know why people keep this title before and then the contents. For some reason i hate this. i mean people does'nt even know what they are intending to write about. specially if u r writing this blog.
I dont know what people write in their blogs, but i use it to bare myself. boy, believe me i look scrap when am bare. everybody look scrap when they are bare. bare from their normal look ups and make ups i mean. even otherwise thats true. people look pathetic phtsically bare also. dont mistake me i have not seen any1 naked. except myself. even that was not intentional. these hotel guys keep a large mirror in bathrooms to look at ueself when u r naked. i dont know what thats meant for. i really dont know. a girls photograph would have been a better choice rather.
Anyway, let me tell u, i dont bug u here telling my all sad and embarrasing moments of life. its different that ones embarrassing moments become the greatest comedies for others. i am no exception to this. i prefer laughing. i dont mind if am laughing at someone r am laughing with someone r am laughing at myself. i really dont. may thats what makes ppl around me say am a backbiter. but am not. i personaly feel no one should get sore only because someone laughs at them. provided thats not a girl. man, it kills u when girls laugh at u. i mean it.
so this is not my '5 point someone' story or something. i have lots of reasons to say this. a) am not a five pointer. i had been a topper once. b) there is no neha here. ofcourse u get to meet some girls, but no one is neha here. c) i personally hate someone describing how u feel kissing a girl and having sex with her. afterall she is ur girlfriend. how can u talk like that?
If u ask me, all girls in the world should be put behind bars. they are all thiefs. they take our hearts away. they do it so easily. even with a tough guy like me. how can they do so. again there are exceptions for all statements. i love to see girls crying. i mean, afterall this is the only weapon god has given them. but for some reason, this neha of my book never cries. god she never cried even when i said i hated her. boy, this is the point in ur life u start going down. she says she likes u very much n all that sweet words. u say, u dont love her r anthing, thinking that one tear drops, i will hug her n cry out loud "I L U", only to see that she never cries. bullshit.
I can still remember that day when this girl, neha of my story was telling me the same sweet love story of she n me. for some reason i wanted her to cry, but she never did that. and the wierdest part is, i dont know why, suddenly i felt like crying all of a sudden. Man, if i think of that today, i feel like crap. i cried and all, fine. Then she started to do all these things that some girl, any girl for that matter does to keep a child silent. boy, that really killed me. U know. i always like this kind of romance. go sit in front of a girl and start crying. she does all these ticklish things that u turn up giggling very soon. be a toy, be her toy. i love to be a toy, but i hate toys. afterall men hate other mens too. specially if they try to cry with me. ;)

let me see how it looks